


sometimes I wish that I could be someone who isn't me at all

by Drhair76



Series: the night is dark but the moon is bright [9]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Klaus gives her one, Protective Klaus Hargreeves, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Soft Klaus, Suicidal Thoughts, This is honestly just me venting, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, guys this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-19 04:41:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18131096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drhair76/pseuds/Drhair76
Summary: "I don't even know why I'm here. I'm not helping anyone but just sitting there. And he knows that. I'm just sorry, I keep taking up space and there could be someone else here that would actually b-benefit from this. Sometimes I feel like-" She faltered, taking a shuddering breath."Like what?" Klaus prompted softly, dread pooling in his stomach."...sometimes I feel like I shouldn't even be here."or, the one where Vanya is not doing so well after they travel back and Klaus is a very good brother. (I think Ben is rubbing off on him)





	sometimes I wish that I could be someone who isn't me at all

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: Vanya is not doing so well in this. Its heavily implied that she (and klaus) are having suicidal thoughts. It's not explicitly stated but I just wanted to put that out there.

They made a pact once they were brought back to the past. 

They would look out for each other, for better or worse. 

That meant Luther favoring Diego's feelings over their father's, that meant Ben not having to use his powers on a mission if it made him uncomfortable, that meant not letting Klaus get anymore 'special training', that meant listening to Five whenever he told them to do something that would change the timeline. 

That also meant making sure that Vanya felt heard. 

So when Klaus noticed her downcast gaze and the way she drew into herself at dinner, he made a mental note to be sure to pay her a visit after they were done. 

He said goodnight to Allison, who was begging Five to let her braid and clip up his hair, and to Diego, who was trying to convince Luther and Ben to sneak to the kitchen to get some cookies from mom, and quickly made his way to Vanya's room. 

He made it there in no time and was gearing up to knock on the door when the sound of a muffled violin reached his ears. 

It was slow and sorrowful, the sound making Klaus pause.  He couldn't remember the last time he heard his sister play. It might have been the day he moved out back in their timeline.  

Him and Vanya weren't that close then, but they always got along really well, especially after Ben died. The times that Klaus wasn't high or drunk, Vanya would sit with him, telling him about the musical pieces she would compose one day. He never understood a word that came out of her mouth but she was so confident and sure of herself that Klaus could've listened to it all day. 

He could specifically remember the sad music from back then mirroring the song from right now. 

Klaus never had much of an appreciation for music, especially when it was classical. He preferred more upbeat songs, something he could dance to that could drown out whatever was in his head; whether those be the ghosts or his own thoughts. 

But now, listening to Vanya's violin brought tears to Klaus' eyes. 

The slow, sad and painful melody gradually grew faster and faster, and while still being sad, Klaus could pick up on some anger mixed in the emotional hurricane. 

It was ripping, tearing, shredding and Klaus half expected the whole house to come down around him.

They all had been working with Vanya to control her powers and while she was definitely getting stronger, more practice could never hurt. 

But Klaus couldn't even imagine feeling so much emotion at once. 

He wondered if this was how Vanya felt all the time. 

If behind all those small timid smiles and sweet looks, she was in real pain.

 The music continued on, faster and faster and just when Klaus was expecting a drop, Vanya just stopped. 

The silence was deafening and uncomfortable to hear after the beautifully haunting sound. Then, in the middle of the all -encasing quiet, Klaus heard Vanya's muffled sobs. 

At that point Klaus didn't bother knocking, instead just turning the knob and pushing it open. 

Vanya was standing in the middle of the room, with her back to him. Klaus could see her fingers curled loosely around the neck on the violin while her other hand was pressed against her mouth to stifle her sobs. Her bow lay forlornly on the ground. 

"Van-" Klaus placed his hands on her shaking shoulders. She spun around to face him and Klaus' felt his heart break. Her brow was furrowed like she was in pain and she was trembling all over from the effort of keeping in her sobs.

"Vanya." Klaus instantly pulled her in and her violin fell through her fingers. She immediately curled into him, burying her head into his chest. 

"It's okay Van. I've got you."  

Her cries were horrible choking sounds, like her entire soul was drowning in pain. She pressed her face into his shoulder so tight, he was sure it had to hurt. Klaus could tell that he was probably the last person she'd expect to be comforting her but she was so upset that she probably would've taken comfort from Luther if he offered it. She clutched at Klaus's uniform jacket like she was desperate and hoping that he'd stay. 

"Please-" She whined. "Don't-I-" 

Klaus shushed her. "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

He held her until her sobs quieted and she was just sniffling. He continued holding her until she stopped shaking and her fingers loosened their hold on his jacket. They gently sunk to the floor together, Klaus making sure to keep his arms wrapped around her. 

"I'm sorry." She sniffled. "I'm so sorry." 

Klaus pulled away slighty, moving his arms from her shoulders to take her hands in his. "What are you sorry about?" 

She looked down at their intertwined hands, hiccuping quietly but didn't speak. Klaus waited patiently, allowing Vanya to gather her thoughts. 

"I don't even know why I'm here. I'm not helping anyone but just sitting there. And he knows that. I'm just sorry, I keep taking up space and there could be someone else here that would actually b-benefit from this. Sometimes I feel like-" She faltered, taking a shuddering breath.

"Like what?" Klaus prompted softly, dread pooling in his stomach. 

"...sometimes I feel like I shouldn't even be here." 

Klaus inhaled sharply. 

He knew that feeling. 

The feeling where it felt like everything you do is not enough, and everything you can't is all that matters. They feeling that you're in the way, that you're not strong enough, that feeling of being a burden. 

"Vanya." Klaus placed a gentle hand under her chin, forcing her gaze up at him. "Listen to me. You belong here with us. You may not be in the Umbrella Academy, but you do belong in our family. Okay? So you can breathe, you can make mistakes. Use all the hot water, finish the eggs. Reginald doesn't know what he's talking about and he doesn't even matter. You know why? Because he isn't your family, we are. And we want you with us." 

By the end of Klaus' speech, Vanya had brand new tears running down her cheeks. He moved his hand from her chin and covered his own mouth. 

"O-oh, shit. I didn't mean to make you cry Vanya." He fretted. "I'm-i'm sorry, I thought-"

Vanya brushed away her tears and smiled shakily.

"No, no Klaus. I'm okay, I just-I really needed to hear that." 

Klaus took a breath. "Oh."

"I think, just being back here is bringing up a lot of old feelings that I forgot about. I-I forgot how much it hurt and how easy it is to just fall right back into it." 

Klaus sighed. "Yeah. Well, we'll never let you remember ever again Vanya." He promised. 


End file.
